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Gym Humor: Common Weight Loss Mistake

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Gym Humor: Fear And Loathing in The Gym


Dear Diary,

For my 50th birthday, my husband, the dear, purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since playing on my high school softball team, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer I'll call Bruce, who identified himself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started. The club encouraged me to keep this diary to chart my progress...

 

Monday (Gym Humor) : Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth the effort when I arrived at the health club and found Bruce waiting for me. He is something of a Greek God! with blonde hair, dancing blue eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!

Bruce gave me a tour and showed me the machines. He took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. He was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to him in his Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Bruce was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!

Tuesday: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Bruce made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Bruce's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me!!!

Wednesday: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or to stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Bruce was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered the other club members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when he scolds he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Bruce put me on the stair monster. Why the heck would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Bruce told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other useless sh** too!

Thursday: Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes! Bruce took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. He sent Lars in to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine, which I promptly sank!

Friday: I hate that son-of-a b**** Bruce more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader wanna-be! If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it! Bruce wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!!! And if you don't want dents in the floor don't hand me the %&$#&%&# barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich! (which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum laude!)

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach of the choir director?

Saturday: Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrill voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the *&$%^$& weather channel!!!

Sunday: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank God that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun---- like a root canal or hysterectomy.


meir

 

 

My personal story...


Here's How I Lost 20 Pounds In 10 Weeks and Kept It Off ( ...and You Can Too)

Here's the simple weight loss method that works best for me:

As we all know, In order to lose weight we need to create a “calorie deficit”.  What that means is, we must eat less calories than our body burns in a day. There's no way around it.

To utilize this method I use a free app called: "Healthy Weight Loss Planner", you can install it to your android phone or tablet from here, or if you don't have an android device you can access the online version here. (by the way, I developed this app myself for my own needs and make it available for all to use for free).

Now here's how this simple system works:

After installing or accessing the app online follow these three steps:

First: Use the 'BMI Calculator' to check your Body Mass Index (an indicator of body fat), and see where it fits within the BMI categories.

Second: use the 'Daily Calorie Needs Calculator' to determine the number of calories needed each day to maintain your current weight.

Third: use the 'Daily Diet Planner tool' to set a daily calorie target and construct a daily food plan to fit your target (and your diet's food discipline). Now obviously you need your target calorie intake to be less than your daily calories needs. How much less? Aim to subtract 500 to 1000 calories daily, this translates into losing about 1 to 2 pounds a week respectively (about 0.5kg to 1kg).

For example: if your daily caloric needs are 2200, and you want to lose 2 pounds (1kg) per week, your daily calorie target should be 1200. Once you achieve your goal, you can revert to a target of 2200 to maintain your desired weight.

A pace of 1 to 2 pounds a week will allow you to lose weight in a healthy, sustainable way. Keep in mind that setting realistic goals and tracking your progress are key to your success. Research has shown that those who keep track of their behaviors are more likely to take off weight. As a matter of fact, setting unrealistic diet goals is the main reason most diets fail. You want to develop lifestyle habits that will help you maintain your weight in a healthy range. A short-term "diet" that you "go on" and then "go off" is not the answer to long-term weight management.

Note that the app sports a database featuring more than 400, mostly non-processed foods. The variety of foods allows you to construct food plans that adhere to any diet rout you decide to take. With this app you will be able to construct a food plan that fits perfectly with your specific diet discipline. Enjoy!

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